John Madden is a Fucking Racist

Okay, so maybe you haven't had enough time to digest the total suckage of the baseline blog, but it's high time this blog actually had an actual news story hanging out on the front page instead of Authorized's lightweight expose. You may totally disagree with me on this, and you may hate me for it--and believe me, I'm pretty fucking hateable, just ask one of my numerous ex-hoes--but the sad truth, my friends and haters, is that John Madden is a fucking racist. Yes, that John Madden. The one that the totally-the-same-as-four-years-ago football video game is named after.

You want my evidence? Prepare to be shocked and amazed. Here we have Vince Young adorning the cover of Madden 2008. Needless to say, the game is just another fucking bullshit roster update and they probably renamed the "hit stick" as the "bitch slap" or something like that. Because, you know, that's all that's ever updated in these fucking games. I'm sick of that shit, but I digress.

Vince Young is black, so you're probably saying to yourself "why the hell is this guy with a retarded blogger ID name talking about racism?" Or, if you're one of those "Southern Pride" assholes, you've probably already caught onto my angle here for all the wrong reasons. Congratulations, you're backward confederate-flag worshipping cretins. I, for one, hope you choke on your corn dogs.

Anyway, so there's Madden '08, with Vince Young on the cover. Other than the fact that Vince Young is not actually a very good player, there isn't anything particularly disturbing about this until...Madden 2007.

Shaun Alexander, also known as the Third Barber Twin, was on the cover for Madden 2007. Another black or, "african-american" guy if you prefer an incorrect term that's somehow become politically correct. Jesus christ people can be a bunch of fucktards when it comes to being politically correct. I've been admonished for calling black people black, white people white, for calling jewish people "jews", for calling my ex-girlfriend a stupid little skank...the list goes on. It's all bullshit. But anyway, if you haven't already noticed, that's two covers with black football players on the front in a row. Let's check on Madden 2006.

Madden 2006 has Donovan McNabb on the cover, who recently claimed that black quarterbacks were scrutinzed more than white quarterbacks. Let's take a moment to remind our boy Donovan that if you play like shit, as he has, you are more likely to get reamed by the media than if you don't play like shit. The solution isn't to re-examine racist tendencies in reporters (not in this case anyway), it's to not play like shit. Huh, crazy, eh? Anyway, he's on the cover of Madden 2006. He's a black guy again. Well, actually, he's always been one I think. While I'm rambling, I'd like to reassure all those spoiled Eagles fans that you can't have your fucking Super Bowl Rings. You lost because you team played like shit when it really mattered, not because of some bullshit conspiracy theory.

Madden 2005 encourages you to do the Ray-Ray, motherfucker. Not that I doubt the court's decision to acquit Lewis of the murder charges he was up on, mind you, I just have a problem with the spin being that Ray Lewis is so bad ass because the All-Pro Linebacker was tried for murder. Lewis was the kind of MLB you don't see all that often, and he's still a very good player even today in his NFL Golden Years. And, toolbag, Lewis will kick your pansy ass because he once got tried for killing somone.

Lewis was on the cover of Madden 2005. Lewis is, believe it or not, black. Are we starting to see a pattern here? Could it be that No Chaser has uncovered a huge behind-the-scenes video game conspiracy? Let's check Madden 2004.

EA Sports and the Greatest Football Commentator Ever sure can pick 'em, can't they? While Lewis never was convicted of murder and, thus, can be presumed to be innocent depending on your mood towards the Ravens, Michael Vick drowns and hangs dogs for a living if they don't beat the shit out of other dogs in the ring. Not that I'm a fan of dogs, but this fucker is not a class act by any stretch of even the most open-minded wussbag's imagination. And yet, here he is! Madden 2004--also known as "the last time the game fucking improved more than one thing at a time--had bad boy Vick on the cover. Originally, Michael's border collie was supposed to be on the cover with him to appeal to younger children. She called in sick on the day of the photo shoot. I report, you decide what the fuck it means. Oh yeah, and Michael Vick is black.

Oh, shit bros and hoes, I think we may be onto something. It's Marshall Faulk. Since he's a Running Back and he played relatively recently, he's black. Forget all that "Madden Cover Curse" bullshit that's stretched as thin as the fishnets that the girl across the hall was wearing. This is some goddamn hard evidence, my friends, that John Madden--could it be?--only puts black people on the front of Madden games. Yes, you heard it here first. John Madden may very well hate white football players.

Surprise! It's Daunte Culpepper. Also known as the quarterback who had one of the best seasons in NFL History for an 8-8 team, ripped his knee to shreds, and is currently sitting on the bench while no-hit wonder Josh McCown leads to the Raiders to new degrees of shame. Culpepper was also for a brief period of time, to be sure, and he's been a personal favorite of mine so I hope he gets back on track. However, let's not lose sight of the fact that he's black. Are there any white players allowed to be on the cover of Madden football games? Any? You're digging yourself a hole, John. No Chaser is onto you, and we don't let this kind of shit go without talking about it for weeks until we get bored with writing for a while and decide to go spit mad game. It's all about the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, people. And I bet my parents didn't think I learned jack shit in college.

It's the monster killer robotman, Eddie George, here on the cover of Madden 2001. All I can think of when I think back to Madden '01 is the fucking shit ass christ piss whoresucking bull excrement comebacks that the computer teams could pull in the fourth quarter you'd be up 21-0 against the Bungholes--and back then, they were the Bungholes--with five minutes quarters and it would be 24-17 and you'd be sweating out three hail marys before you could go take a celebratory victory piss. Goddamn it, I'm so glad Madden 2004 fixed the bullshit comeback thing (well, to a certain extent). If it weren't for Madden '04, the series woudl have been discontinued. Well, crap, that's kind of obvious-sounding. I mean the improvements made in '04. Eddie George is black.

So that's right, folks. There have been no white players on the front of Madden's Racist Football games this millenium. Clearly, John Madden hates white people, and I don't want to hear that Sociology-professor bullshit about it not being racism when white people are targeted. I'm absolutely not a racist and I think racism is one the most avoidable-and-thus-sickening problems in this country. That's one of the reasons why, in light of all this evidence, I am honor-bound to conclude that John Madden is a racist.

But wait! There is one white man that John loves!



















This one is for every Madden Football gamer who's ever yelled, after another inane Madden comment on their game, "Madden, shut the FUCK up and put Al's cock back in your mouth." (NC)